Huang Erma earned a lot of money at his brother-in-law's worksite. After finishing up, he figured that the most profitable gig out there was being an official, so he decided he had to become one. Even though he made a decent amount of cash, it wasn’t enough to buy a proper official position. Worried about gossip, he hesitated for several days before finally bribing his way into the position of county magistrate in Shandong, and he even bought an exemption from the examination. On the way to the provincial capital, he asked his brother-in-law to get his name included in a future big case to help him get a leg up on his appointment. His brother-in-law, seeing his lofty ambitions and knowing how important connections are these days, was happy to lend a hand.
Once Huang Erma arrived in the provincial capital, he showed up at the yamen every day. He focused on two offices: one was the governor's office, and the other was the mayor's office. He ran back and forth between these two places daily, with no time for anything else. After a while, one day when he checked in at the governor's office, the gatekeeper said, "The big cheese is off today; apparently, he’s having a hissy fit with his wife and his little side piece. The little side piece hasn’t eaten in two days and is bawling her eyes out, so he’s staying home to comfort her." Huang Erma asked, "What caused the fuss with the concubine?" The gatekeeper replied, "I didn’t know about this at first, but the second master let it slip, and I happened to overhear. Just between us, don’t go spreading this around." Huang Erma said, "Sure thing, my lips are sealed."
The gatekeeper said, "Our master has one big wife and three concubines. A few days ago, there was an imperial decree saying that those who want to buy an official position have to do it within two months, or it's too late. So the master quickly got a prefect position for the eldest son raised by the big wife. The number one concubine raises the second son, who’s only seven years old this year, but she insisted on getting a prefect position too, just like the big wife. The second concubine, feeling jealous, has no sons of her own, but after being pregnant for five months, she insisted the master get a position for her unborn child. The master said, 'The kid hasn’t been born yet, who knows if it's a boy or a girl? What if it’s a girl?' The second concubine wouldn’t back down and said, 'Even if it might not be a boy, it could still be a girl. Let’s get a position first. Even if the first kid is a daughter, there could be a second one!' The master couldn’t say no and got her a lower position, a county magistrate. Just as the second concubine finished causing trouble, the third concubine butted in. The third concubine was even more pushy than the second; she wasn’t even pregnant yet but wanted to get a position for her son. The master said, 'You’re not even pregnant, why the rush?' The third concubine replied, 'I’m not pregnant now, but who knows if I will be next month!' So she insisted on getting a county magistrate position. Finally, this whole thing got sorted out yesterday. The master was worn out from these women, hadn’t slept properly for days, and finally called in sick."
Huang Erma listened and finally understood, hurriedly ran to the governor's office. When he arrived, the duty officer said, "The boss hasn't returned yet." Huang Erma had no choice but to wait at the gate. He waited until three o'clock in the afternoon before he saw the governor come back. Huang Erma hurried over to wait there, only to see the governor's face was like thunder, completely ignoring his subordinates. He got off the sedan and went straight inside, totally different from usual. Huang Erma was puzzled, and when everyone else left, he stayed behind and went to the duty room to ask for news. The duty officer said, "Mr. Huang, please wait a moment. Let me go in and find out what's going on before I come back to tell you." Finally, after waiting ages, he found out and came out to tell Huang Erma, "Do you know why our boss is so angry?" Huang Erma was eager to know. The duty officer said, "It seems that being an official is really not easy. Today at court, the deputy governor has been suffering from a really bad case of hemorrhoids for the past two days and his butt hurts so much he can't stand it. When the governor went up to report his work, he was interrupted after just a few words. I heard our boss even got spat on the face, so he's really furious. He's sulking in his room now, planning to have the steward write a sick leave letter for him." Huang Erma said, "This is too much! If he has a butt problem, how can he have the nerve to embarrass someone? To be fair, only officials at the level of deputy governors and governors are qualified to be spat on; we small officials don't even have that privilege!" Then he went home.
The next day, Huang Er Mazizi went to the governor's yamen again. The gatekeeper said, "The master is not seeing any guests." Huang Er Mazizi asked, "Have those concubines stopped bugging the governor about the famine?" The gatekeeper replied, "I heard that the master only has two sons whose official positions are secured, the eldest madam and the eldest second madam, and the money has already been spent. The second madam and the third madam—one is pregnant and the other is not—are not getting official positions, even though he promised them verbally; he hasn’t given them the official documents. They are not reassured, so they have been bothering the master these days, and it’s likely they will get appointed in the future. This is a private matter, as well as a public one. In the past, some minor officials in the government offices, as long as they were under our master’s jurisdiction, personnel changes were decided by the master. Before, it was enough to report to the prefect. But this prefect is different; each government office has appointed a Dao Tai as an administrator. They say the local government affairs are too busy to handle, so they added an administrator. Although called an administrator, his power is the same as the chief executive, and he has the final say on everything. He appoints and dismisses at will. Apart from routine official business, we masters cannot interfere. This makes the master very uncomfortable, which is why he is not going out today." After hearing this, Huang Er Mazizi thought to himself, "He’s the governor; who’s above him except the prefect? Who doesn’t flatter him? In the current situation, working hard for a lifetime, the money earned will eventually be used by descendants as workhorses. His colleagues are constantly giving him a hard time, like a group of concubines; it’s as if the prefect is a man and everyone wants to please him. A little bit of neglect makes them uncomfortable. This whole official gig is a real pain." After saying that, he sat there in a daze for a while. The gatekeeper said, "Mr. Huang, you should also go back and rest. The master is not going out today, so you are waiting here in vain."
Old Huang was snapped to attention by a single sentence and quickly stood up to say, "Yes, yes, you're absolutely right! I haven't been to the yamen (a local government office) for two months, and there are many duties there. I haven't shown up, so even if there are real tasks, they wouldn't be assigned to me." After saying that, he left. As soon as he entered the yamen, he saw the governor's sedan chair and attendants all crowded outside the gate. Old Huang understood in his heart that the governor was here. He was secretly happy, feeling that this trip was not in vain. He had not only entered the yamen but also stood in for the governor. It was killing two birds with one stone, and he felt very pleased.
Upon entering the yamen, he saw many officials from the entire province sitting in the hall waiting to be received. After a while, the appointed and prospective governors from various regions also arrived, following the rules of meeting the governor by getting off their sedan chairs outside. Old Huang was puzzled, thinking, "Usually, same-rank officials just visited; why the change today?" So he asked a friend and found out that the governor was ordered to go to the capital to meet the emperor. Because he had a good relationship with the yamen but a bad relationship with the fangtai (the local military governor), he recommended the yamen for promotion. Since the yamen was a banner man and the emperor appreciated him, the promotion was immediately approved. Before the official document arrived, a telegram came first. It happened to be the day when the gates were open, so when the yamen was promoted, the governor showed him the telegram. Following the usual practice, the yamen naturally thanked the governor for his support, and the governor congratulated him, immediately firing a celebratory salute in his honor. When the yamen returned to the yamen, the governor and county magistrate came to congratulate him; then a large number of appointed and prospective governors also came to pay their respects and congratulations according to the rules. The yamen naturally had to respond politely. "That's how things work in officialdom," no matter how humble he was, the other officials wouldn't dare overstep protocol.
Let's stop the idle talk. After Huang Er heard his friend finish speaking, he said, "I was just at the yamen, but they hadn't heard a thing." His friend countered, "The magistrate just received a telegram, and the prefect just got promoted, so the magistrate informed him. After the prefect left, the magistrate only met with one guest who claimed to have a bad case of the piles and couldn't sit for long, so he didn't see any other guests. It's only been an hour since they received the telegram, so of course the yamen wouldn't have any news." Huang Er pressed, "Why didn't the telegraph office send a message over?" His friend replied, "Don't be such a simpleton! If he got promoted, and they sent a message when he didn't, wouldn't that make him angry?" Huang Er said, "The magistrate should have notified him." His friend explained, "The telegram was received, but the official documents haven't arrived yet. It's fine to notify him later. Besides, their relationship isn't good; even if they were on good terms, he wouldn't have taken the prefect's position before him and given it to the prefect." Huang Er finally understood. After a while, the district magistrate met with the newly promoted guardian officials, and they all came out together. The new guardian asked them to get into the sedan chair, but they refused. They were then invited to leave through the central door, but they still didn't dare to leave and instead went around the side. After the district magistrate left, another group of prefects and county officials arrived, and things didn't finish until around two o'clock. Nobody knows who delivered the news to the provincial governor, but apparently he was furious. After being angry for a while, there was nothing they could do. It wasn't until after eating that they realized it was the imperial decree and couldn't be disobeyed. Fortunately, they were still on leave, so they didn't have to go to work themselves. They only sent someone with a greeting card to the prefectural government office to greet and congratulate the newly promoted guardian official. They also stated that they were on sick leave and couldn't go in person. However, two days later, the leave ended, and they had to go to work. They wore a red-topped hat denoting their rank, while the prefect wore a bright blue one. Now they had to flatter him; how could they not be angry? But that's a story for another time.
Zhen Xuezhong relied on the old man's face and really knocked it out of the park on the Shandong river project, and was surprisingly promoted to magistrate. The following year, he made contributions again during a rescue operation and somehow ended up governor. After completing the matter, he went to Beijing to visit his father, and was naturally very happy to see him. The old man mentioned that his younger son wasn't cut out for academia, had failed the autumn examination twice, and wanted to buy him an official position to help him get some experience under his belt. Zhen Xuezhong understood his father's intentions and knew that he had not passed the examination, only relying on the donated official position to become a governor, which was not what his father wanted. Now letting his younger brother take an official position would kill his chances of passing the exams, which would only make the old man more sad. So he strongly persuaded the old man to just get his brother a minor bureaucratic post, and if there were vacancies in the department, he could still participate in the provincial exams. If he could pass the examination and become a scholar, or even a Jinshi (the highest level of the imperial examinations), let alone becoming a Hanlin, he could still get ahead in the department. Zhen Gexue listened and thought it made sense, and indeed got his younger son a position in the Ministry of Punishments. Two years later, Zhen Xuezhong unexpectedly became governor of Qidong Taiwu Lin in Shandong. At this time, Zhen Gexue was getting older and his health was deteriorating, so he wrote to his eldest son saying he wanted to take sick leave. After his son took office and received the letter from the old man, he immediately wrote back advising the old man to call in sick, or take a few months of sick leave and stay at the Shandong yamen for a while. Zhen Gexue agreed in his reply. After Zhen Xuezhong received the letter, he discussed sending someone to Beijing to meet him. After thinking for a while, he couldn't think of anyone to send, so he had to ask his cousin Huang Ermazi to come to Beijing. At this time, Huang Ermazi was in the provincial capital and had obtained two or three jobs through his brother-in-law's pull. After hearing his brother-in-law's instructions, as well as being a superior in the province, he immediately agreed. Zhen Xuezhong also helped him get leave from the various offices (all the bosses and supervisors were his colleagues), and made it clear that his salary would not be deducted. They were happy to help out the boss's relative, so they all agreed. Huang Ermazi was even more grateful, so he spent a day packing up, bought some gifts, and the next day headed off to Beijing with his family, guards, and travel money.
They traveled day and night for several days before reaching the capital. They found Zhen Ge Xue's house and gave his letter and calling card to the gatekeeper. After reading the letter, Zhen Ge Xue realised the visitor was his son's cousin, a relative, and immediately said, "Come in." Huang Er Mazi bowed to Zhen Ge Xue, who invited him to sit. He wouldn't, insisting on calling Zhen Ge Xue "Your Honour" and stating his name. Zhen Ge Xue said, "We're family, no need for all this formality." Huang Er Mazi insisted, so Zhen Ge Xue let him be.
Old Huang asked Zhen Ge Xue, "When you gonna leave?" Zhen Ge Xue replied, "I've got the time off, all approved. I could've left anytime, really. But my brother's really sick in Baoding. His nephew's sent several urgent messages – my brother's really sick. I'm afraid I might miss seeing him one last time. The letters have been pushing me to go see him. So, gotta go see him, you know? Brotherly duty. Besides, my nephews are all still looking for jobs. I want to talk to them and help them out." Old Huang asked, "Does your brother have a job in Baoding?" Zhen Ge Xue said, "Nah, we've been in Baoding for generations. My family's been there for ages. We own a place there. My brother's first wife passed away without children. His second wife, surnamed Xu, only has one daughter who is very precious. She married my brother. At that time, my brother was 48 years old and his wife was in her forties. My brother has always wanted to be an official. He's been trying for years to pass the exams, since he was sixteen, but no luck. He’s tried everything, but nothing worked. At this age, he’s lost hope and given up on this path, looking for another way out. If he buys an official position, his wife's family is wealthy, and it would be easy to buy a daotai. Unfortunately, my sister-in-law's mum said, 'Look, Liang Hao became top scholar at 82! If you've got the guts, you'll make it one day. We're not hurting for money, you don't need to worry about supporting the family. What's the rush? Just keep studying, don't get sidetracked. You're only fifty, still got years to go!' My brother had to keep taking exams after listening to her, but he hasn't passed any until now. Maybe he could pull some strings and get a job eventually. Unfortunately, he fell ill. My nephews? Not as bright as my kids, sadly. Of course, I hope my children can pass the exams and bring honor to me. Unfortunately, their study methods are wrong, and they can't pass the exams in their lifetime. I saw it coming, so I got them jobs. I don't want my sons to end up like him. Old Huang just nodded and left."
In Beijing, Zhen Gexue's colleagues heard that he was leaving and gave him going-away gifts. Zhen Gexue declined all the gifts to avoid the hassle of returning the favors. He packed his bags, hired a car, and left three days early for Baoding. His second son Zhen Xue Xiao and his family stayed in the capital to manage things for him. Zhen Gexue and Huang Er Mazi hit the road, and a few days later they arrived at his brother's mansion in Baoding. They got out at the gate. Turns out, his brother's mother-in-law had died a year earlier, and he adopted a son to run the house. Since living with his father-in-law was inconvenient, Zhen Gexue's brother, being well-off, rented a bigger place and moved his family out. Huang Er Mazi helped him out of the car, and Zhen Gexue went in.
Huang Er Mazhi did not enter but watched his family unload their luggage outside the door while glancing at the walls on both sides of the gate. They were covered with two-inch wide red paper seals, displaying various official titles: from Gongsheng to Jinshi to Hanlin; from Grand Academician and Grand Councilor to Imperial Censor and the Imperial Secretariat; from Governor to minor officials; there were also various important positions such as Imperial Commissioners, School Officials, Chief Examiners, and so on; the number of provincial supervisors and commissioners was countless. Huang Er Mazhi thought to himself as he watched, "He has never held any high official position in his life, his younger brother is just a cabinet scholar, and his ancestors were not important figures. So where did all these official titles come from? Those official positions from other provinces and military titles are even more suspicious. Even if they are relatives, they should choose a few important ones to maintain appearances; writing things like minor officials and commanders makes it look unseemly. What does he mean by writing all of these here?" Just as Huang Er Mazhi was pondering, the luggage was unloaded, and he followed inside. The steward said, "When the Second Uncle entered, Uncle had just fainted, and he still hasn't woken up." Although Huang Er Mazhi was a relative, he didn't dare to enter abruptly into the inner room, so he had to wait in the hall. After a while, crying could be heard from inside. Huang Er Mazhi said, "Not good! Uncle must be near death!" He wanted to go in and see, but he was afraid of offending, so he didn't dare to enter. He thought to himself, "It's fortunate they can still see each other one last time. I just don't know if they can talk now." When the crying stopped, Huang Er Mazhi became even more puzzled.
It is said that when Zhen Ge Xue returned home, his nephew quickly came out to greet him. After entering the house, his second wife was also standing there. Zhen Ge Xue, a stickler for tradition, quickly performed the kowtow to his sister-in-law. She was also polite and asked the nephews to perform the kowtow to their second uncle in return. After the greetings, Zhen Ge Xue anxiously asked about his elder brother's condition. The sister-in-law, with tears in her eyes, wiped them away and said, "Not too good! Please have a seat inside." Unable to care about politeness, Zhen Ge Xue went directly into the room to see his brother.
My brother was lying on the bed, with a towel covering his head, his face pale, looking like he had been sick for a long time. He was in a daze and didn't notice anyone coming in. Zhen Gexue called out to him, and he opened his eyes, still unable to see clearly who it was. His son ran over and loudly said, "Second uncle is here!" Only then did my brother recognize him, feeling both surprised and happy. He reached out with effort and grabbed Zhen Gexue's clothes. He seemed to want to say a lot, but exerted too much force and fainted again, his hand loosening as he fell unconscious once more. His son urgently called out for his father, shouting several times without a response. Zhen Gexue felt uncomfortable and couldn't help but shed tears. His wife and nephews thought he was gone, shouted a few more times, saw no response, and believed he was dead, crying together. At this moment, an old lady who often took care of patients touched his chest and said, "He's still warm; he's fine!" This finally calmed everyone down. Just as the crying stopped, he suddenly shouted loudly. Everyone was startled, quickly opened the mosquito net to look, and saw him struggling to sit up! They were afraid to restrain him, for fear he'd overexert himself, so they just helped him sit up. He yelled, "Scared me to death! Scared me to death!" His voice was loud, completely different from usual, and his face was much rosier. Zhen Gexue asked, surprised, "How are you feeling, brother?"
My big brother said, "I dreamt I was walking into a deep mountain. The place was crawling with all sorts of wild animals, just waiting to devour anyone they saw. I hid in the woods and wasn’t discovered by them..." At this point, he was panting heavily. Everyone quickly brought him a bowl of ginseng tea. After sipping a few times to regain his strength, he continued, "In the woods, I couldn’t clearly see those animals, but I sensed their presence. The mountain had not just jackals, wolves, tigers, and leopards, but also cats, dogs, rats, monkeys, yellow weasels, and even more pigs, sheep, and cows. Rats were scurrying around, digging holes everywhere, while dogs would bite people but were scared of tigers, wagging their tails when they saw one. Cats were the worst, jumping around, climbing trees when tigers and leopards showed up, and coming down when they left. Monkeys were imitating, and yellow weasels only cared about themselves, darting away in a flash. There were also foxes, pretending to be beautiful women wandering on the mountain, truly enchanting. The pigs and sheep were just milling about, and even the big cows seemed pointless. I looked around in the woods for a while, thinking I couldn’t stay with these animals, wanting to escape, but the mountain was full of them, and I couldn’t get out at all. Then, BANG! It felt like the world was ending. I was so scared that I passed out, not knowing whether I was alive or dead, in a daze. I woke up, and it was all gone—the animals, the fear, everything."
He paused, catching his breath. His family brought him some soup. He took two sips before continuing, "The place I saw in my dream was like a wide boulevard, bustling, like Shanghai's streets. I walked east along the road, unconsciously arriving at a particularly large mansion with very high steps. I counted as I walked—eighteen steps in total. When I reached the top, my legs felt a bit sore, so I lay down on an ornate chair in the east corridor and fell asleep. I was half asleep when someone shoved me and yelled, 'Where is this? Who are you, some country bumpkin, daring to sleep here? Look at those gentlemen wearing hats and boots, all sitting quietly, and you're causing a ruckus here. Get out of here!' I was angry at being scolded and said, 'They can be gentlemen, and I can sleep. I'm not bothering them. They can't control me; why do you think you can? You say I don't know manners; do those people wearing hats and boots never act improperly?' The man was angered by my retort and raised his fist to hit me. I didn't back down and fought back. When someone inside heard us fighting, they came out and shouted, 'We are conducting business here; what are you causing a disturbance for?' The man stopped immediately upon seeing someone come out, and I had to stop too. The people inside asked me where I came from. I was a bit confused at the time and couldn't answer. Then I remembered asking the man, 'What are you doing here?' He said, 'We are proofreading a book here.' I asked what book it was, and he said, 'God felt sorry for poor China and wanted to save it. But with hundreds of millions of people, how can they all be saved in a short time? So they came up with a plan, saying: Chinese people seem naturally afraid of officials; how officials act, the people follow. So they decided to first reform these officials, so when they go out to work, they can do good things for the country and the people. They also thought, in China, there are thousands of officials, big and small. Their bad habits seem to be taught by one teacher. So they came up with a new method, imitating the way teachers teach students in schools, compiling a few books to teach them. And following teaching methods from around the world, teaching from primary school, middle school, to university, layer by layer. Then they'd be good officials, right?"
"Twenty years from now, will the world ever know peace?"
I didn't have time to answer yet when I saw a bloke walking behind him, giving him a pat on the back and saying, "Mate, go proofread your book quickly; after that, we'll grab a bite together." Upon hearing this, he dashed inside. Not long after, there was a sudden outcry from within. All I heard was a frantic yell: "Fire! Fire! Fire!" Then I saw many people running out, clutching burnt books, and in no time, the fire was blazing through the roof. Fire trucks arrived straight away, but it took ages to put the fire out. Upon entering the house again, there wasn't a drop of water left on the ground. I was baffled when I heard those people coming back, gathering around a table to count the burnt books. After counting for a while, they said that the book they proofread was left with only the top half. It turned out that the first half of that textbook specifically criticized the drawbacks of being an official, so they could correct their mistakes after reading it. The second half was supposed to teach them how to be an official. Now the second half was burnt, leaving only the first half. With only the first half left, it no longer resembled a textbook but more like "Investiture of the Gods" or "Journey to the West," full of monsters and demons. They started tossing ideas around about how to fix it, with some suggesting to reprint the first half. "Look," someone reckoned, "they ran the country on half the Analects, so half a book'll do." If they wanted to continue writing, they could do it later when they had time. They chewed it over for a bit, then figured, "Stuff it," and buggered off. And just like that, I woke up. Weird, eh? After being so crook, I felt fine. Zhen Ge Xue was relieved to see his brother on the mend. He retired to Shandong to live with his son. The rest is pretty standard stuff, so I'll skip it. And that's the end of the first half of "A Realistic View of Officialdom."
"Flowers in a Sea of Misery" by Zeng Pu (from the Qing Dynasty)
