Confucius said, "There are six ways to run a country, but it all boils down to one thing." The "Book of Rites" tells us: "Rites keep people in line, music brings harmony, writing records events, poetry expresses thoughts, the *I Ching* explains change, and the *Spring and Autumn Annals* lay bare the truth." And Sima Qian said, "The way of Heaven is vast and awesome!" Keep it short and sweet, and you'll solve the problem.
Chunyu Kun was a son-in-law from the state of Qi. He was a bit short, under seven feet tall, but he was very eloquent, humorous, and often sent to various countries, never suffering any grievances. At that time, King Wei of Qi liked to hide away, partying all night and ignoring his duties, neglecting state affairs, and handing over power to his ministers. His officials were slack, and other states saw their chance to attack. The country was about to fall apart, and things were desperate, but no one dared to advise the king. Chunyu Kun used a metaphor to persuade him: "Your Majesty, there's a huge bird in our kingdom. It's been sitting in the palace for three years without a peep. What do you make of that?" King Wei got the message. He called up seventy-two county chiefs, rewarded one, executed another, and then marched his army off to war. The other states were scared stiff and gave back the land. King Wei of Qi thus ruled with great authority for thirty-six years. You can read about this in the Tian family's records.
In the eighth year of King Wei's reign, the state of Chu launched a major attack on the state of Qi. King Wei of Qi sent Chunyu Kun to the state of Zhao to seek reinforcements, giving him one hundred pounds of gold and ten chariots. Chunyu Kun threw his head back laughing so hard that the tassel on his hat snapped off. King Wei of Qi asked him, "Oh, Your Majesty, what's the matter with you? Why are you laughing so hard?" Chunyu Kun replied, "No, Your Majesty." King Wei of Qi asked again, "Is there something you want to say in your laughter?" Chunyu Kun said, "I saw a farmer praying in a field on my way back from the east, holding a pig's trotter and a cup of wine, praying: 'I hope my bins are overflowing, and we're all doing well.' I found that he had so little, yet his wishes were so great, so I couldn't help but laugh." After hearing this, King Wei of Qi gave him an additional one thousand ounces of gold, ten pairs of white jade, and one hundred chariots. Chunyu Kun said goodbye to the king and went to the state of Zhao. The king of Zhao gave him one hundred thousand elite soldiers and one thousand war chariots. When Chu heard about this, they hightailed it out of there. King Wei was overjoyed and threw a feast in the palace, inviting Chunyu Kun to drink with him. He asked, "So, how much wine does it take to get you good and drunk?" Chunyu Kun replied, "I get blotto on a dou, and I get blotto on a shi." King Wei said, "If you get drunk with one dou, how could you get drunk with one shi? Explain this to me."
Chunyu Kun said, "Your Highness, when you give me wine in front of you, there are guards beside me and inspectors behind me. I’m so scared that I can only bow my head and drink; one dou is enough to floor me. If important guests come to my house, I wear a hat, fasten my belt, and serve properly at their side. When the guests pour me a drink, I toast a few times, and after two dou, I’m drunk. If I gather with friends I haven't seen in a long time, and we suddenly meet, happily reminiscing and sharing private conversations, I can easily drink five or six dou and get tipsy. If the neighbors gather, men and women sit together, drinking slowly, playing games of chance, toasting each other, and shaking hands without hard feelings or eye contact, I’d get a kick out of it. If someone loses an earring in front and someone loses a hairpin behind, I can drink eight dou of wine and end up dead drunk. When the wine banquet is winding down in the dark, everyone raises their glasses together, sitting side by side, men and women at the same table, shoes all jumbled together, and the table a chaotic mess of plates and cups, with the candles in the hall extinguished. The host asks me to show the guests out, their clothes loosened, and I’d catch a whiff of perfume. At this moment, I’m the happiest and can drink a stone of wine. So, too much of anything is a bad thing, you know? Too much drink, too much fun leads to sadness; everything is like this. Don’t over-talk, or you’ll wear out your welcome." This was his subtle way of advising King Wei.
King Wei replied, "Right you are!" So he stopped the habit of drinking all night and appointed Chunyu Kun as the official who greets visiting dignitaries. At royal banquets in the future, Chunyu Kun would often be present. This anecdote reminds me of another story, a hundred years later, about You Meng from the State of Chu.
You Meng was a musician in the ancient Chu Kingdom. He was a giant, eight feet tall, and a silver-tongued devil. He often used humor to satirize and advise others. During the reign of King Zhuang of Chu, he particularly liked a horse, dressing it in embroidered horse clothes, placing it in a fancy room, all kitted out with a plush bed, and feeding it dates and jerky. As a result, the horse became too fat and died from overeating. King Zhuang actually wanted his ministers to hold a funeral for it, intending to bury it with the standards of a nobleman. The ministers thought it was ridiculous and protested. King Zhuang then ordered, "Anyone who dares to open their mouth about this is a dead man!"
After hearing about this, You Meng walked into the palace. He let out a wail that could curdle milk. King Zhuang was startled and quickly asked him why he was crying. You Meng said, "Your Majesty, this horse was your favorite, right? In a kingdom as big as Chu, you can get anything you want! But to bury it like a nobleman? That's a bit cheap, isn't it?" King Zhuang asked, "So what do you suggest?" You Meng said, "I suggest a coffin of the finest jade, encased in a catalpa wood shell, with trimmings of the most exquisite woods. The whole army digs the grave, while the old, the weak, the sick, and the infirm haul the dirt, with the armies of Qi and Zhao leading the procession, and those of Han and Wei bringing up the rear. During the sacrifice, use the finest sacrificial beasts, and even an entire city as a burial gift. Then every lord in the land will see how much more you value a horse than a human being!"
When King Zhuang heard this, he said, "I've messed up that badly?! What should I do?" You Meng replied, "Then bury it like a sacrificial animal – clay oven for a coffin, scrap metal for the casket, ginger and dates for grave goods, magnolia branches for incense, some grain for an offering, then burn the whole thing and bury the ashes...in a latrine!" King Zhuang of Chu finally understood and quickly ordered, "Get the horse to the royal officials," to prevent this matter from spreading widely.
The Prime Minister of Chu, Sun Shu'ao, knew that You Meng was a clever guy and treated him especially well. When Sun Shu'ao was dying, he instructed his son, "After I die, you will definitely be very poor. If you can't get by in the future, go see You Meng and tell him you are my son."
After a few years, Sun Shu'ao's son was destitute and could only eke out a living by chopping wood. One day, he met You Meng and said, "I am Sun Shu'ao's son. My father told me to come find you when I was destitute." You Meng said, "You're not very ambitious, are you?" So, You Meng dressed Sun Shu'ao's son to look like Sun Shu'ao and practiced his father's speech and behavior with him. After a year, he was the spitting image of his father; King Zhuang and everyone else couldn't tell them apart.
King Zhuang of Chu was at a banquet, enjoying a few drinks, when You Meng popped up to offer a toast. King Zhuang was shocked, thinking that Sun Shu'ao had come back to life, and wanted to appoint him as prime minister again. You Meng said, "Please let me go back and discuss with my wife; I'll tell you in three days." King Zhuang agreed. Three days later, You Meng came back. King Zhuang asked, "What did your wife say?" You Meng replied, "My wife said, no way! Forget being prime minister of Chu! Like Sun Shu'ao, loyal and clean, governing Chu with integrity and dedication, only then can the King of Chu dominate. But he's dead, and his son doesn't even have a place to live; he's so poor he can only rely on collecting firewood to survive. If you want to be like Sun Shu'ao, you might as well just off yourself!" Then You Meng sang a song: "Living in the mountains and farming is hard, it's tough to make a living. Being an official, corrupt and taking bribes, without a care for reputation. After death, the family may be wealthy, but fear of committing major crimes due to corruption leads to ruin. Corrupt officials? Can't do it! Think of those honest officials, abiding by the law, ending up poor and destitute. Honest officials? Can't do it! Chu prime minister Sun Shu'ao was honest all his life, but in the end, his wife and children were so poor they had to sell firewood; being prime minister is not worth it!"
So King Zhuang thanked You Meng for that, then summoned Sun Shu'ao's son, giving him four hundred households to support the Sun Shu'ao memorial services. Later, Sun Shu'ao's descendants continued for ten generations without interruption. This goes to show, timing's key!
Fast forward two hundred years, and you've got You Zhan popping up in the Qin state.
Youzhan, a short actor from the state of Qin, is what we now call a little person. He is very good at telling jokes, but his jokes contain profound truths. During the time of Qin Shihuang, there was a banquet when it suddenly started raining heavily, and the guards standing in front of the palace got soaked and shivering from the cold. Youzhan felt sorry for them and asked, "Would you like to take a break?" The guards all answered, "Yeah, sure would!" Youzhan said, "When I call you later, you must respond quickly." After a while, the palace began to cheer and toast. Youzhan stood at the railing and shouted loudly, "Guards in front of the palace!" The guards quickly responded, "Yes!" Youzhan said, "So what if you're tall? It's so uncomfortable standing in the rain! Even though I am short, at least I can find a place to rest." Qin Shihuang, after hearing this, ordered the guards in front of the palace to take turns resting.
Qin Shihuang once planned to build a huge royal garden that would stretch from Hangu Pass in the east to Yong County and Chencang in the west. Youzhan said, "Sounds great! Plenty of room for wildlife then. If enemies attack from the east, we'll just let the deer take care of them, that should be enough!" Qin Shihuang, upon hearing his words, abandoned the plan to build this huge garden.
After Qin Ershi ascended to the throne, he wanted to paint the walls of the imperial palace in various colors. Youzhan said, "Alright! Even though Your Majesty didn't say anything, I still want to make a suggestion. Painting the walls will cost a fortune, but it'll look great! The painted walls will be bright and shiny, and no one will be able to climb them. Even if the enemies want to attack the city, it will be easy to deal with them, just scrape off the paint. And if they don't scrape it off, forget about building any siegeworks!" Qin Ershi laughed heartily upon hearing this and abandoned the plan to paint the walls. Not long after, Qin Ershi was killed, and Youzhan hightailed it to the Han and kicked the bucket a few years later.
Historian Sima Qian said: Chunyu Kun let out a huge laugh that shook the heavens, causing King Wei of Qi to change his mind; You Meng shook his head and swayed while singing, getting the firewood-carrying guy a promotion; You Zhan stood by the railing and shouted loudly, giving the palace guards a break. Aren't these three people all remarkable!
Mr. Chu said: I'm lucky enough to have gotten my job thanks to my smarts, and I enjoy reading the family's legendary stories. So I went ahead and wrote six more funny stories myself, arranged on the left side. Everyone can read and appreciate them, understand the underlying meanings, and so future readers can learn something new, complementing the three wonderful stories of Historian Sima Qian.
During the reign of Emperor Wu of Han, there was a favored Guo official who, even if he was a bit of a rambling fool, knew how to make the emperor happy. When Emperor Wu was young, the mother of the Marquis of Dongwu had raised him, and as an adult, he called her his "Great Nanny" and saw her twice a month. After a court meeting, the emperor ordered his favorite official, Ma Youqing, to send fifty pieces of silk to the Great Nanny, and often sent fine meals for her to enjoy. The Great Nanny later requested in a letter: "I have some public fields under my name, and I hope to borrow them." The emperor asked, "Do you want them, Great Nanny?" So he granted her the public fields. The Great Nanny could pretty much get whatever she wanted from the Emperor. The emperor even ordered that the Great Nanny be allowed to ride in a carriage on the main road.
At that time, the ministers in the court all respected the Grand Nurse greatly. However, the descendants and servants of the Grand Nurse were running riot in Chang'an City, often blocking people's carriages on the road and snatching people's clothes. When this matter reached the Emperor's ears, he thought it unwise to punish them outright. The authorities suggested exiling the Grand Nurse's family to the border. The Emperor approved this suggestion. Before the Grand Nurse went to the palace to say goodbye, she first visited Guo, crying and asking for help. Guo told her, "After you say your goodbye, leave quickly, walk a few steps, then look back." The Grand Nurse did as she was told, thanked him, and left quickly. After walking a few steps, she looked back. Guo scolded her sternly, "Now then, old woman! Why aren't you leaving quickly? The Emperor has grown up; he doesn't need you to feed him anymore! Why are you looking back?" When the Emperor heard about this, he felt both pity and sadness, so he ordered to stop the relocation of the Grand Nurse and punished those who made false accusations.
During the reign of Emperor Wu of Han, there was a man from the Qi state named Dongfang Shuo, who was particularly fond of studying ancient classics, loved Confucianism, and had a wide range of knowledge. As soon as Dongfang Shuo arrived in Chang'an, he went to the imperial court to submit memorials, writing a total of three thousand. Two officials struggled to carry them. It took the Emperor two months to read through all three thousand memorials, making notes as he went along. The Emperor issued a decree appointing him as an official and often had him serve by his side. Their conversations were always enjoyable, and the Emperor never got upset. He also frequently rewarded Dongfang Shuo with food. After finishing his meal, Dongfang Shuo would tuck the leftover meat into his clothes, staining them. The Emperor rewarded him with silk fabric, but he would just roll it up and leave. He spent the money given by the Emperor on finding beautiful women in Chang'an to marry, usually divorcing his wives within a year to marry new ones. The rewards he received were all spent on these women. Many court officials and eunuchs in the palace privately called him a "madman." When the Emperor heard about this, he said, "When Dongfang Shuo is working in the court, how can you compare to him?" Dongfang Shuo even managed to get his son into the palace as an official, and later he became an attendant, often bearing the imperial seal to various places. Once, while walking in the palace, a courtier told Dongfang Shuo, "Everyone says you're crazy." Dongfang Shuo replied, "A man like me finds sanctuary within the court. Those ancient hermits were the ones hiding in the deep mountains!" At that time, everyone was drinking, and Dongfang Shuo started singing while clapping the ground, "Though I'm in the thick of things, I find refuge behind the Jinma Gate. Why go to the deep mountains and wilds, and thatched huts to hide, when I can hide and protect myself in the palace?" The Jinma Gate, the eunuchs' office, was so named for the bronze horses flanking its entrance.
I discussed with the learned men and gentlemen in the palace, and they asked me: "Su Qin and Zhang Yi were able to assist the emperor, their names live on in history. You are now studying the ways of the ancient kings, emulating the virtues of sages, and have read countless poems, books, and classics. You've written all this down, thinking yourself the most learned man alive. However, despite serving the emperor wholeheartedly for so many years, your official position is only a lowly attendant, your status merely that of a spear-carrier. Are there still any shortcomings in you? Why is this so?"
I replied: "You don't quite grasp this. It's a matter of different times; things were very different then! During the time of Zhang Yi and Su Qin, the Zhou Dynasty had already declined, the princes were in disarray, vying for power and profit, attacking each other with force, the world split into twelve countries, no one could unify; whoever had talent could become powerful, and whoever lost talent would perish. That's why they were able to display their talents, rise to high positions, leave a legacy for future generations, and their descendants prospered. The current situation is completely different. The emperor is wise and benevolent, all the princes submit to him, he is feared by all, even those beyond the four seas are subservient to him. The empire is at peace, as calm as a summer's day, unified like one family. The emperor handles matters as easily as playing with putty. What difference does talent make these days? Nowadays, the world is so vast, and the people so numerous, there are countless individuals studying hard and striving for progress. Even good men struggle to survive, sometimes losing everything. If Zhang Yi and Su Qin lived in our era, they probably wouldn't even be able to become minor officials, so how could they dare to aspire to the position of lowly attendant! As the saying goes: 'When the world is peaceful and free from disasters, even sages have no place to display their talents; when there is harmony and unity from top to bottom, even talented individuals have no place to achieve success.' So, different times, different rules, right?"
However, how can one not strive to improve one's own cultivation? The *Classic of Poetry* says, "The sound of the palace bell reaches outside the palace; the cries of cranes in the deep marsh reach the heavens." As long as you can improve your own cultivation, why fear not having riches and fame! Jiang Taigong dedicated 72 years to righteous living, and when he met King Wen, he was able to display his talents and was appointed in the state of Qi, with his descendants continuing for seven hundred years. This is why go-getters strive day and night to study, work on themselves, and dare not slack off. Those who live in seclusion, even if not temporarily employed, can live independently, doing their own thing. They study Xu You, the hermit, Jie Yu, the recluse, and imitate Fan Li and Wu Zixu. Even in times of peace, they can adhere to their principles; even in loneliness, they still uphold their beliefs—that's just how they roll. Do you have any more questions?"
So, all the gentlemen fell silent, unable to answer.
Suddenly, a creature that looked like an elk ran out of the heavy wooden buildings behind the Jianzhang Palace. This was reported to Emperor Wu. Emperor Wu went to see it himself and asked the learned and seasoned officials around him, but no one recognized what it was.
So the emperor ordered Dongfang Shuo to take a look. Dongfang Shuo said, "I know what this is, but you must first reward me with good food and drink; let me have my fill, then I will tell you." The emperor agreed. Dongfang Shuo then said, "I also request that you let me have a few acres of public land, fish ponds, and reed fields so that I can speak." The emperor agreed.
Only then did Dongfang Shuo speak, saying, "This is a 'Zouya'! It means that a distant country is coming to submit to our great Han, and this 'Zouya' is an omen. Look at its teeth; they are all the same length, so it is called 'Zouya'." A year later, the Xiongnu's Hunxie King indeed brought an army of 100,000 to surrender to the Han Dynasty. The emperor rewarded Dongfang Shuo with a fortune.
Dongfang Shuo grew old, and as he neared death, he advised the emperor, "An old poem goes: 'Annoying flies buzz around and land wherever they please. The noble man is kind and trustworthy, not believing in slanderous words. Slanderous words spread without limit, causing chaos in four states.' I hope Your Majesty stays away from those backstabbers and does not listen to slanderous words!" The emperor was puzzled and said, "Turns out, Dongfang Shuo was right all along." Not long after, Dongfang Shuo passed away. As the saying goes, "When a bird is about to die, its cries are mournful; when a person is about to die, their words are kind." The advice Dongfang Shuo gave on his deathbed was indeed true!
During the reign of Emperor Wu of Han, General Wei Qing, who was the brother of Empress Wei, was granted the title of Marquis of Changping. Leading his troops to fight the Xiongnu, he achieved victory and returned triumphantly, bringing back many enemy heads and captives. The emperor rewarded him with a ton of gold. As General Wei was leaving the palace, a man from the state of Qi named Dongguo was waiting at the gate to speak with him. He stopped General Wei's carriage and requested to speak a few words with him.
General Wei halted his carriage, and Dongguo said by the carriage, "The new favorite of the emperor, Wang, comes from a poor family. Now that General Wei has received a ton of gold, if he could give half of it to Wang's kin, the emperor would surely be pleased upon knowing. That's a great idea!" General Wei thanked him and said, "Wow, that's great advice! Thanks!" So General Wei took out five hundred catties of gold as a birthday gift for Wang's family. Wang informed Emperor Wu about this matter. Emperor Wu said, "I never even thought of that!" He then asked General Wei who came up with the idea, to which General Wei replied, "It was Dongguo who was waiting to see me." The emperor then summoned Dongguo and appointed him as 郡都尉.
Dong Guo waited at the palace gate for a long time to be summoned. He was broke, his clothes ragged, his shoes falling apart. He walked in the snow with shoes so worn out you could see his toes, and his feet were freezing on the ground. People on the road laughed at him, and Dong Guo replied, "Who else could be walking around in the snow with shoes so worn out you can see their toes?" When he became the prefect, a high-ranking official, he walked out of the palace in a green official robe to thank those who had helped him before. So those who waited with him at the palace gate all came to see him off. He suddenly became rich and famous, proving that you can't judge a book by its cover. When he was poor and destitute, no one paid attention to him; but when he became successful, everyone tried to flatter him. They say you can't judge a horse by its coat, or a scholar by his clothes. Isn't this talking about him?
Wang fell seriously ill, and the emperor personally went to visit her, asking, "If you were to become a king, where would you like to live?" Wang replied, "I wish to reside in Luoyang." The emperor said, "No. Luoyang has armories and granaries, located at a vital strategic location; it is the gateway to the empire. Since the reign of the previous emperor, there has been no precedent for crowning a king in Luoyang. However, among the eastern states, the state of Qi is the largest, so I can crown you as the Princess of Qi." Wang happily patted her head and said, "That's great!" After her death, she was given the posthumous title of Dowager Princess of Qi.
So, the King of Qi sent Chunyu Kun to the State of Chu to deliver a white swan. As soon as they left the city gate, the white swan flew away, leaving Chunyu Kun with an empty cage in his hands. He got a bright idea: he'd tell a lie and went to see the King of Chu, saying, "The King of Qi sent me to deliver a white swan. When passing by the river, I couldn't bear to see the swan thirsty, so I let it down to drink water, and it flew away. I originally intended to off myself, either by cutting myself open or hanging myself, but I was afraid that people would say the King of Qi let his envoy kill himself over a bird, which would be a bad reputation. Besides, all white swans look alike; even if I bought another one, it'd be a lie! If I were to escape to another country, I would feel sorry for the King of Qi and Your Majesty, so I have come to confess and ask for punishment!" The King of Chu said, "Good, the King of Qi indeed has such a loyal subject!" He then really hooked Chunyu Kun up, with the rewards being much more valuable than the white swan.
Back when Emperor Wu of Han was in charge, he wanted to summon the Governor of Beihai to his office. There was a man named Mr. Wang, a low-level clerk, who volunteered to accompany the governor, saying, "I think I can help you." The governor agreed. Other officials advised him, saying, "Mr. Wang is particularly fond of drinking and boasting; it's probably a bad idea to take him." The governor said, "If he wants to go, he can go." So he took him along.
At the gate of the palace, waiting to enter. Mr. Wang spent his time buying wine and drinking with the guards, getting completely blotto and ignoring the governor. The governor went in and knelt down, waiting for the summons. Mr. Wang said to the palace official at the gate, "Hey, get my boss out here. I gotta chat with him." The official ran to call the governor. The governor saw Mr. Wang from a distance. Mr. Wang asked the governor, "So, how'd you keep Beihai thief-free? What's your line?" The governor replied, "I select talented individuals, each to their own abilities, rewarding those who have merit and punishing those who are incompetent." Mr. Wang said, "That won't cut it. Sounds like you're bragging. No good. You should say, it ain't my doing; it's all down to the Emperor's awesome power and rule." The governor said, "Okay."
After entering the palace, at the front hall, the emperor asked him, "How did you govern Beihai and keep it free of thieves?" The governor kowtowed and replied, "This is entirely due to Your Majesty's divine grace; I have no merit at all." The Emperor laughed heartily and said, "Wow! That's some wise talk! Where'd you pick that up?" The governor said, "I learned it from a junior official responsible for clerical work." The emperor asked, "Where is he now?" The governor said, "He's at the gate." The emperor immediately ordered for Mr. Wang to be summoned, appointed him as the Water Regulation Officer, and at the same time promoted the governor of Beihai to Water Regulation Captain. Later, people said, "Sweet talk gets you places, and good deeds get you promoted. A gentleman gives good words, a cheapskate gives cash."
When Wei Wenhao was in power, Ximen Bao was appointed as the magistrate of Ye County. When he got to Ye County, Ximen Bao gathered respected elders to hear the people's woes. Those elders said, "The worst thing is, we gotta give the River God a bride every year, so we're all broke."
Xi Men Bao asked them what was going on, and the old men replied, "The three elders of Ye County (local officials) and the county officials collect vast sums of money from the people every year. They take out two or three hundred thousand to sacrifice a young woman to the River God, and the remaining money is divided among the three elders, county officials, and witch doctors. When it comes time to sacrifice a young woman to the River God, the witch doctor will look around, and if he sees a pretty girl in a family, he will say she should marry the River God, and then he will bring the girl to be married. The girl was bathed, clothed in new silks, and made to fast; they build a house for sacrifice by the river, hang red curtains, and let her stay inside. They will also prepare cattle, wine, and food to entertain for more than ten days. Finally, they will dress her beautifully, like marrying a daughter, place her on a bed, and send it adrift downriver. At first, the bed will float for dozens of miles before sinking. Parents of pretty daughters lived in terror that the witch doctor would offer their girls to the River God, so they all ran away with their daughters. Therefore, the town was emptying and impoverishing, and this situation has been going on for a long time. The common people often say, 'If we don't marry a daughter-in-law to the River God, the river will flood and drown us.'"
Xi Men Bao said, "When it's time for this… uh… ceremony, I'd like the elders, the witch doctor, and the local bigwigs to bring the girl to the river. Let me know, and I’ll be there to see her off." Everyone replied, "Alright."
On that day, Ximen Bao went to the river to meet them. County officials, bigwigs, and townsfolk all came to watch, with a crowd of three to four thousand people. The witch was an old woman, seventy years old. She brought ten young female disciples, all dressed in roughspun cloth, standing behind the witch. Ximen Bao said, "Bring the River God's wife here to see if she's pretty enough." He had the young woman brought out from behind the curtain. Ximen Bao looked at her, turned to the three elders, the witch, and the villagers, and said, "She's not pretty enough. You go tell the River God and find a better-looking one. Send her back tomorrow." After saying this, he had the chief witch thrown into the river. A few moments later, Ximen Bao said, "Why is the witch taking so long? Disciples, go hurry her up!" Then he tossed another female disciple into the river. After a short time, Ximen Bao said, "Why are the disciples taking so long? Send someone to hurry them up!" He chucked in another female disciple. So, he tossed three of her disciples in the river.
Ximen Bao continued, "Let's send those three old geezers to chat with the River God." So he chucked the three old fellas in the river. Ximen Bao took a pen, straightened his clothes, and stood by the river for a long time with a serious expression. The local gentry, officials, and onlookers were scared stiff, their faces going as white as sheets. Ximen Bao looked at them and said, "The witch and the three elderly men have not returned. What should we do?" He figured he'd send some more officials and bigwigs to hurry them along. The people were so frightened that they quickly kowtowed, hitting their heads and causing bleeding, their faces the color of death. Ximen Bao said, "Alright, let's wait a bit longer." After a while, Ximen Bao said, "Officials, you may all rise. Guess the River God's taking his time." The folks in Ye County were so scared, they never dared mention marrying off the River God again. Ximen Bao immediately had the common people dig twelve channels to divert the river water for irrigation, so all the fields got watered. At that time, the people grumbled about all that digging. Ximen Bao said, "The common people can enjoy the benefits, but they cannot be consulted about the initial hardships. Sure, folks are grumpy now, but their grandkids will thank me for this in a hundred years." Until now, everyone can enjoy the benefits brought by irrigation, and the common people live in prosperity as a result.
These twelve channels pass through the Chidao (an ancient expressway). By the time of the Han Dynasty, Han Dynasty officials felt that the bridges of these twelve channels blocked the Chidao, affecting passage and causing inconvenience. They wanted to consolidate the channels and combine the waters of the three channels on the Chidao into one bridge. The people of Ye City and their elders firmly disagreed with the officials' actions, believing that this was done by Xi Men Bao and was a wise governance method that should not be changed. The officials heeded the people and abandoned the project. So when Xi Men Bao was the magistrate of Ye, he became famous throughout the world, establishing him as a highly virtuous official! They say, "Zi Chan ruled Zheng, and the people wouldn't dare lie to him; Zi Jian ruled Danfu, and the people couldn't bring themselves to lie to him; Xi Men Bao ruled Ye, and the people wouldn't dare lie to him." Which of these three talented individuals is the most wise? Only a truly wise ruler could say for sure.
